Three kids. Three Versions of me

Six months ago my kids gave me a leadership lesson that explains a lot of team tension.

When pressure hits, people don’t experience your intent. They experience your impact.

And that impact determines trust, accountability, and whether your presence steadies the room… or spikes it.

It started with my youngest.

We were sitting in a café – rare 1:1 time – when my partner (not his dad) texted me and called me “Angel”. It’s his favourite term of endearment… and it always makes me smile.

My son clocked the smile immediately.

“What’s that about?”

I told him the truth:

“I always giggle when he calls me Angel… because I’m pretty sure I’m not.”

He didn’t miss a beat.

“Yeah Mum… you’re NOT an Angel.”

Fair.

Then he added:

“You’re more like a knight.”

That landed in my chest in the best way.

And then he took it further:

“Actually… you’re also like a sorcerer. Like a cross between a knight and a sorcerer.”

Later, I asked my other two boys the same question, without any context other than how my partner saw me as an Angel:

“How do you see me?”

One said I’m like one of the female bodyguards from Black Panther – steady, fierce, and doesn’t mess around when it comes to protecting what matters.

The other said, “You’re Yoda. Very wise and philosophical and an expert with a light sabre.”

Three kids.
Same mum.
Three completely different experiences.

And if that’s true in a family… it’s absolutely true in your team.

Because leadership isn’t experienced in theory. It’s experienced in moments.

You can lead with the same intention, the same standards, the same “this is who I am”…
…and each person will experience you differently based on their wiring, history, pressure points, and what they need to feel safe and successful.

Which is why “I treat everyone the same” doesn’t always land the way we hope.

Same behaviour.
Same intent.
Different impact.

And this is where conflict starts.

One person experiences you as “clear.”
Another experiences you as “cold.”
And suddenly accountability feels like criticism and trust drops.

People experience OUR code, filtered through THEIR code.

So here’s a simple way to work with it:

Reveal: What do people feel from you when things get tense?
Decode: What story are they making up about what that means?
Recode: What’s one small behaviour that would change the story next week?

Most leaders I work with are deeply intentional.
They care. They think. They try to do the right thing.

And still, they’re often surprised by how differently they’re experienced across their team.

Not because they’re doing it wrong but because people don’t experience intent. They experience impact.

So here’s what I’m curious about (and what I’ll leave you with):

Do you know how your important people experience you, especially under pressure?

What role do they cast you in: protector, challenger, guide, stabiliser?

And are you okay with that… or is there something you want to recode?

A simple way to explore this (if you’re up for it):

Ask 2–3 people you trust:

“When I’m under pressure, what do you experience from me?”

Then listen without defending.
Not to criticise yourself, to reveal the pattern.

Because the fastest way to strengthen your leadership isn’t to work harder.

It’s to understand how your leadership is actually landing.

This is the work I do with leaders and teams: we identify the pressure patterns that create conflict, weaken accountability, and shrink executive presence, then we recode them into steadier, clearer leadership.

Keynote: Intent vs Impact – How Leaders Get Misread Under Pressure (and how to change it).
Offsite: Reveal → Decode → Recode™ for leadership teams (trust and accountability reset).
Workshop: Practical tools for managers to lead hard conversations without triggering defensiveness.

If you’d like my Reveal → Decode → Recode™ reflection prompts, hit reply with CODE and tell me which you’re exploring: keynote, offsite, or workshop. I’ll send the prompts and the best-fit outline.

Warmly,
Danielle

PS: And just for fun, here are the AI-assisted versions of how each of my children experience me…